tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11787794650511643522012-02-16T18:18:36.606-08:00Robertonoreply@blogger.comBlogger31100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178779465051164352.post-34729161659051299952008-02-29T08:01:00.000-08:002009-04-02T04:50:58.745-07:00<a href="http://kitteninatin.blogspot.com">New series beginning</a>, about kittens. In tins.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/1178779465051164352-3472916165905129995?l=somethingaboutagoldfish.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robertonoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178779465051164352.post-4946877224371828332007-02-26T01:35:00.000-08:002007-08-29T14:34:18.282-07:00<strong>the monsters under my bed #1 </strong><br />badass: once upon a time there was a being that was half man, half donkey. they called him "badass." this is a portmanteau of the adjective "bad," referring to the mischievous character traits of the subject, and the noun "ass," a colloquial English term for a donkey. the word "badass" is also a slang term in its own right, used to describe someone who is "Mean or belligerent; Awesome, amazing, or incredible, often in a defiant manner; Tough." Hence there is a pun, or a "play on words."<br />[pan to badass]<br />badass: hi. [winks] i am that same badass... and yes, ladies, i know what you're thinking: i am bad, and i am an ass. [pan to jacques]<br />jacques: life eezn't easy when you're an azz. thees where i come in: i am hees minder, hees friend, hees comrade. i bring 'eem carrots, oats to chew on, fields to plough, little rubber duckies to play weeth, wooden posts to mate, small tigers to devour. wizout me, he 'ees nothing. ma name ees jacques, ze french monsteur! [triumphant music] [pause] ees because i am french, and an monsteur! oui oui! [pan to bobby]<br />bobby: i eat things<br />[curtains close, end credits] [have a cigar]<br />badass: you know, in this chaotic world of mess and mayhem one finds it immensely easy to get caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts regarding life, death, disaster, The Great Abyss... despair. "meaningless, meaningless, life is meaningless." i therefore took it upon myself to find some purpose in life, a Means to divert myself from thinking about the inevitable End: a quest, a goal, a vision.<br />bobby: [in awe] a vision<br />badass: there are limitations that are automatically imposed when one is half man, half donkey. modelling was out of the question, nascar doubly so. i considered running for prime minister, perhaps spending a year with the pope. i even contemplated attempting to find salvation through religion. [pause] but then i figured it would be more fun to traumatise people by scaring the crap out of them.<br />jacques: 'ee likez to scare zee leetle children most off all<br />bobby: [in awe] zee children<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby]<br />badass: needless to say, the occupation has its highs and lows, its Romeos and its Juliets, its Steps and its S-Club Sevens, its lentil and bacon soup and...<br />jacques: [interupting] i think zat's enough: oui, oui?<br />badass: good, because i had no idea where that was going<br />bobby: [in awe] cheese toasties<br />jacques: zat's ma boy! tres bien<br /> <br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #2 </strong><br />badass: slavery. it’s an evil practice, as i think we would unanimously concur…<br />jacques: badass ees irritat’ed today becoss he ask me, “please jacques ma friend, release me uv ma boond?”<br />badass: my family has a long-standing history of being enslaved to the jacques. in this day and age one would expect human rights to be respected – especially as jacques and i are such dear pals – but he refuses to sign the legislation required for me to become a free man.<br />bobby: half man, half donkey<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby] zat vill do, bobert! [turns to camera] i should observe zat while many consider eet impossible for a master-slave relationsheep to… ah - be maintained? - in ze context of a friendsheep, i‘ave discoveered zat badass and i ‘ave managed quite successfully zees many years. [to badass] you see, ma friend, not only are you compelled by duty to remain wiz me (and you know how valuable your company ees), but you must also do zee many menial chores i request of you zat you detest so much. [to camera] vatch zees, it will be very amusing. [to badass] per’aps you could fetch me some money from ma bank? Two-‘undred poundz. ‘ere ees ma card and details…<br />badass: [aside] despite his claims, jacques has long since ceased to demand slave’s duties of me: the legislation is merely a matter of principle. like any fool, he likes to tease; unfortunately, by trusting me, he reveals himself to be that very fool. [retrieves £500 from cash machine] that’s two-hundred for my dear friend, and three-hundred for my leisure…<br />jacques: [aside] ‘ees right, i do love to tease. but i am no fool: i geef him bobby’s card! ooh la la!<br />bobby: hey!<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby] enough already, i say!<br /><br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #3</strong> <br />badass: so: we're monstrous apparitions, we scare people - right?<br />bobby: right?<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby]<br />franklin: what does that mean, "cuffs bobby?" it could be any number of actions, an exotic dish, or is it a name? perhaps it's a...<br />bobby: who the hell are you?<br />franklin: franklin<br />bobby: oh. hi franklin<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby]<br />bobby: ow!<br />jacques: see, zat is vat it means. now begone already, franklin! your time 'az not yet come<br />badass: so anyway, my point is: you haven't yet seen us in action. "where is the fear?" you cry. "well," i say, a little ironically: "fear not!" [pan out to reveal a bed under which badass, jacques and bobby are lying] [pan out a little further to reveal jeremy sitting on the bed]<br />jacques: [whispers] in a few moments, ees mother will come to put 'eem to bed.<br />bobby: [loudly] but he's twenty-five! TWENTY-FIVE!<br />jacques: zey are a strange family<br />bobby: [loudly] what, no cuffing? NO CUFFING?<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby] enough already, bobert.<br />[mother enters, tucks jeremy into bed, leaves]<br />badass: now, if you hadn't already deduced, is the time that we strike. bobby, would you do the honours?<br />bobby: [loudly, slowly] HEY THERE YOU SILLY BOY, I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR PARENTS ALIVE VERY SLOWLY LEAVING ONLY THEIR TOES AND THEN I'M GOING TO PUT THEIR TOES IN YOUR EARS SO YOU CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING FOR THREE DAYS<br />mother: [peers into room] what on earth was that noise?<br />bobby: LISTEN YOU SILLY BI...<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby] be silent!<br />mother: oh, i must have been imagining things [leaves]<br />badass: are you sacred yet, jeremy?<br />jeremy: not really<br />badass: and you are aware that i am half man, half donkey?<br />jeremy: i am now. how odd<br />bobby: [loudly, slowly] LISTEN, YOU BRAT, I WILL POUR HUMAN EXCREMENT ON YOUR FACE WHILE YOU SLEEP<br />jeremy: now, that's just disgusting<br />bobby: [a little uncertainly] um... Roar! Roar!<br />jeremy: [titters] pathetic<br />bobby: [cuffs jeremy]<br />jeremy: [bursts into tears]<br />bobby: [grins]<br />badass: excellent! objective achieved (the victim has been reduced to a quivering wreck of tears), we can now leave. jacques, if you would...<br />jacques: [explodes a large hole in the wall]<br />[they leave]<br /><br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #4</strong> <br />badass: were you aware that bobby is an aristocrat?<br />bobby: aristo-crat [smiles]<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby]<br />bobby: get your dirty hands off me, you frenchy peasant infidel scum!<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby]<br />bobby: ow! now that really hurt<br />badass: yes, it's true. he comes direct from a line of ignorant, aloof, incestuous, ugly and stuck-up ponces. his real name is sir robert humphries, earl of somewhereorother and monster under a bed. needless to say, he experienced a mid-life crisis aged thirteen and has rarely spent a day sober since - hence his passivity and supposed idiocy<br />bobby: [slowly] idiocy<br />jacques: exactly, bobert ma good sir<br />badass: but today bobby has had his last drink, isn't that right?<br />bobby: [slowly] drink<br />badass: [aside] why is he still doing that?<br />jacques: i slip 'im some more bee-arr. when he is a leetle ditzy he doesn't notice so much eef i hit 'eem [cuffs bobby]<br />bobby: ow!<br />jacques: or not. i no-know...<br />badass: point is, jacques and i have decided it's time to get our friend cleaned up once and for all. after all, having a real-life earl under your bed would surely be far more terrifying than a pissed monkey...<br />jacques: [cuffs bobby]<br />badass: alright jacques, that will do<br />bobby: [grins]<br />badass: [cuffs bobby] stop that!<br />jacques: so anyway, the ass and i researched a nombre of ways for wheech to get a man off alcohol. zere are several AA groups and rehab centres in ze vincinity, as vell as non-alcoholic dreenks etc.<br />badass: we decided the best way would be to tie him to a tree and leave him there for two weeks. so just sit yourself down here, bobby old chap...<br />bobby: [sits down against tree]<br />badass: ...and we tie him here like *so*... and...<br />jacques: voila!<br />badass: thank you<br />jacques: no, thank you<br />badass: i will<br />jacques: you had better<br />badass: yes<br />jacques: exactly<br />bobby: why am i tied to a tree?<br />badass: now then robert, you just relax there and we'll be back in two weeks with a nice glass of water. welcome back to being sober...<br />[jacques and badass leave]<br />bobby: hey!<br /> <br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #5</strong> <br />bobby: [tied to a tree] hey there, peasant<br />franklin: what ho! who are you? what goes here?<br />bobby: i am sir robert humphries somebody, ruler of these lands, and i am tired to a tree<br />franklin: so you are!<br />bobby: so i am! now cut me loose immediately before i die of thirst<br />franklin: [hurriedly untying bobby’s bonds] dear god! how long have you been here?<br />bobby: almost half an hour. great heavens, the sun is so hot. have you any whiskey?<br />franklin: why certainly, i’ll just…<br />badass: whoah there!<br />jacques: and vat ‘ave we ‘eer? franklin, don’t tell me you are aiding zees poor man in ‘ees self-destruction?<br />franklin: wuh… buh…<br />badass: [aside] just as well we decided to come back and check on him, the rapscallion<br />jacques: now undo your wrongs and tie ‘eem back up. pronto!<br />bobby: oh, bugger<br />jacques: now zen bobert, no need to curse<br />badass: hey-hey, this tying business is really quite unnecessary – we just wanted to make a point, dear bobby<br />bobby: well, you’ve made your point. i see: you hate me and want me to leave for zambia right away<br />badass: well, i was hoping somewhere a little further away…<br />jacques: nonsense bobby ma friend, we love you! [kisses bobby] we don’t vant to see you threw your life avay, that ees all<br />bobby: jacques?<br />jacques: oui, oui?<br />bobby: if you kiss me again i will vomit on your shoes<br /> <br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #6</strong> <br />bobby: creepy, creepy, creepy-creep, i will scare you with a sheep<br />jacques: que?<br />badass: back in the field, robert, jacques and i are preparing to terrify this young child... with a sheep<br />franklin: you cruel, cruel people<br />badass: hey! it's my job<br />franklin: you're half man, half donkey. how can you even have a job? that's just ridiculous...<br />bobby: you know, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist<br />jacques: how is that even relevant? and frankie, ma friend, sod oeuf!<br />franklin: did you translate that using babel fish? [disappears in a puff of logic] aw man...<br />badass: so, with utmost precaution and care we have managed to arrive unharmed here, in the child's room. bobby has the sheep now<br />[pan to bobby with sheep]<br />jacques: and on ma count: un, deux, trois...<br />bobby: fly! fly! fly! [hurls sheep at the sleeping child]<br />child: [awakes, screaming]<br />sheep: baa<br />bobby: success!<br /> <br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #7</strong> <br />badass: talk to me, robert<br />bobby: i've lost the plot!<br />jacques: don't be a fool, man. vere are you?<br />bobby: i think i'm in star wars<br />badass: nonsense! we're in beijing, snap out of it<br />bobby: oh god! ewoks!<br />jacques: stay viz me, bobert, we aff some leetle chinese children to terrify today<br />franklin: no need to be racist<br />badass: pray tell us, frankie, how that harmless remark could be interpreted as inciting racial hatred or otherwise implying racial prejudice?<br />franklin: well, there's no need to distinguish that these "leetle" children are chinese, is there? as we're in beijing one would assume that they are, but anyway the fact that they are chinese should be irrelevant to how you treat them<br />badass: by the hairs on your head i banish thee! we have children to scare, now sod off<br />franklin: [leaves]<br />jacques: anyvay, all chinese people are leetle<br />franklin: [shouts] i heard that!<br />jacques: othervise they wouldn't fit zem all in one country!<br />badass: hey! do you want to go too?<br />jacques: [shameful] sorry<br />bobby: are we gonna destroy this death star or what?<br />badass: children, robert, we're here to scare children<br />bobby: same difference. destroy these children, let's do it [charges into a wall]<br />badass: er...<br />[story ends abruptly on an awkward note]<br /> <br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #8</strong> <br />franklin: and with me now is the talented robin mitchell, and we're talking about criticism now... robin, how do you cope with criticism?<br />robin: well, i think generally the best thing to do is to listen to it, you know? i mean, well, i've got a new ep due out soon and people were saying "your stuff's too arty," and "it's not accessible to the common man" and "it needs more of a beat" so this new stuff is essentially rapped over a beat. it's called "the bitches shot the ho's in the driveby..."<br />badass: [turns off radio] a'ight, wagwan?<br />bobby: what did he say?<br />badass: i was just "talking gangster" - using colloquial commonly associated with the street/hip-hop movement<br />bobby: well, you are pretty badass<br />badass: yeah, i was even thinking about getting my arms grafted to my shoulders<br />jacques: ees been done already<br />badass: like you'd know<br />jacques: ay! in france, vee ave zee best eep-oop in zee world [beatboxes]<br />bobby: [is visibly embarrassed] please stop<br />badass: i have to say, though, if i was a small child about to go to sleep and i heard that, i'd be terrified<br />franklin: next time: the monster who scares kids with beatboxing! peace out, y'all<br /><br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #9</strong> <br />badass: ...and that was how i was concieved<br />child: [bursts into tears]<br />badass: success!<br />jacques: 'aam not sure 'ee eez scared... more distressed, oui?<br />badass: a nod's as good as a wink as far as i'm concerned there, my froggy-frenchy-friend<br />bobby: bit racist<br />jacques: ach! i care not. better a frog than an ass, hmm?<br />badass: well! [strolls off in a huff]<br />bobby: the night is young and we have many to scare, let's not beat around the bush<br />badass: i say, was that shakespeare?<br />bobby: no<br />jacques: right...<br /> <br /><strong>the monsters under my bed #10</strong> <br />badass: so, to conclude my eventful and decorative narrative, there was a clap of thunder, a strike of lightning and a big kabloosh. at that precise moment i awoke, bewildered and disorientated, and then it was morning<br />jacques: [sniffs] badass, ma friend, zat 'ees ze most be-autiful thing i 'aff ever heard<br />badass: but... but it was a tragedy! my mother died!<br />jacques: oh! well, i wasn't really listening, i was watching robert<br />bobby: but i'm not doing anything<br />jacques: i am always watching robert, watching and waiting<br />bobby: [cowers in fear]<br />franklin: well then, fellows! it's the end of your first season together - HOW DOES IT FEEL?<br />bobby: [jumps] ow!<br />badass: must you shout so loud?<br />franklin: sorry, i was getting a bit excited...<br />jacques: i keep telling you, frankie, you don't even belong 'ere. go back to your own script<br />franklin: ...the end of "the monsters under my bed" season one, a tremendous failure on all accounts. allow me to read you some statistics: children succesfully scared - 2, monsters - 1, laughs - 0<br />badass: at least we got in a multi-cultural element<br />jacques: erm...<br />badass: i mean, jacques is our frenchie-thru-and-thru funny chappy thing<br />jacques: about that...<br />bobby: oh no<br />jacques: i'm not actually french, you fools! why else would i have such a preposterous accent?! oh, what a disaster<br />[pause]<br />bobby: at least we have each other<br />END!!!1!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/1178779465051164352-494687722437182833?l=somethingaboutagoldfish.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robertohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03765533476512838397noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1178779465051164352.post-34376582181127834592007-01-17T07:19:00.000-08:002007-01-17T07:34:47.710-08:00<strong><span style="font-size:85%;">Taken from "Making Sense Of Me," January - May 2006</span></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Tuesday, January 03, 2006<br />A Story About Goldfish </strong><br />WARNING: CONTAINS WORDS<br />larry: hello Bob<br />bob: hello Larry<br />larry: is that a goldfish on your shoulder Bob?<br />bob: yes Larry, it is.<br />larry: it reminds me of your mother<br />bob: what, small and orange?<br />larry: no<br />bob: what then<br />larry: i’m not telling<br />bob: screw you Larry<br />larry: screw you Bob. and your goldfish (dances)<br />bob: you can't throw random stage directions at me (makes kebabs)<br />larry: i shall destroy you (destroys Bob)<br />goldfish: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<br /><br />End<br /><br /><strong>Monday, January 16, 2006<br />a fascinating dramatic production focusing on the particular character traits of goldfish </strong><br />bob: hey larz<br />larry: hey bob<br />bob: wanna go hang out<br />larry: we are hanging out, bob<br />bob: i meant wanna go hang out some place cool<br />goldfish: (grins) like, underwater cool?<br />larry: don't even think about it (glares at goldfish)<br />goldfish: (wails, gnashes teeth)<br />bob: aw man, you made my goldfish cry<br />larry: sorry<br />(awkward silence)<br />larry: hey, goldfish can't cry<br /><br />fini<br /><br /><strong>Sunday, January 22, 2006<br />a short interlude involving a conversation between larry and bob and also featuring a goldfish</strong><br />larry: so bob, let's take some time to reflect on the meaning of life<br />bob: sure thing larz. hey, what is the meaning of life anyway?<br />larry: darned if i know<br />goldfish: i think life is but a glass bowl, with sediment and rock on its base, that is half full or half empty with water<br />larry and bob: (make eye contact)<br />bob: goldfish eh? what do they know<br />larry: bloody aquatic worm-eaters<br />bob: let's go drink some coffee or something<br />(they stroll off into the sunset, whistling)<br /><br /><strong>Tuesday, January 24, 2006<br />more reflections on life, the universe and everything. featuring a bloody aquatic worm-eater </strong><br />bob: larz<br />larry: hyeah?<br />bob: how ya... wait, did you just say "hyeah?"<br />larry: hyeah, maybe I did<br />bob: why?<br />larry: no reason<br />bob: she's getting to you<br />larry: who is?<br />bob: that girl i seen you hanging round with<br />larry: that was your goldfish<br />bob: my... my goldfish?<br />goldfish: i'm sorry bob, i didn't mean it, it was nothing serious, we was just hanging out<br />bob: you have betrayed me (holds head in hands)<br />larry: hey, that's pretty cool. how'd you do that? like, hold your head in your hands?<br />bob: huh? oh, i just did it. like this: (holds head in hands)<br />larry: hey, i could do that (holds head in hands) dude, that is so fun<br />goldfish: i wish i had a head<br /><br />the end<br /><br /><strong>Friday, January 27, 2006<br />the tale of the goldfish, featuring larry and bob </strong><br />bob: waddup larz<br />larry: yo dogg<br />bob: well aren't you quite the gangster?<br />larry: i was just trying to be cool<br />goldfish: i'm cool... look at my big sunglasses<br />larry: can you even see out of those?<br />goldfish: i'm so cool that i don't even need to<br />bob: wow... that's pretty cool<br />larry: dude, that's your goldfish<br />bob: sorry man<br />larry: so what does it even mean to be cool?<br />goldfish: i think it's just an illusion inflicted upon the less-confident by the more-confident, and reinforced by the less-confident themselves<br />bob: i think it's when you're good-looking and get to pick up all the hottest chicks<br />larry: is that like chickens?<br /><br /><strong>Tuesday, January 31, 2006<br />another encounter with a goldfish (but it’s quite boring)</strong><br />bob: hey larz<br />larry: hey bob<br />bob: so, you do one of them personality tests?<br />larry: you damn right i did. did it gooood (takes drag on cigarette)<br />bob: what did you get?<br />larry: man, it said i was a lowdown scumsucker who spent his whole time arsing around and that my ideal career was a hobo<br />bob: that's harsh man<br />larry: yeah, gettin' my hopes up that i'd be a good hobo. how 'bout you, what'd you get?<br />bob: uh... jeez, i forget<br />goldfish: his said that he was a waste of space and that his ideal career would be as a human lab-rat<br />bob: oh whatever. i suppose you took the test too did you?<br />goldfish: apparently i am charismatic, friendly, optimistic and so genius that no human career would suit me<br />larry: so true<br />bob: did they mention that you were a backstabbing, duplicitous ginger?<br />goldfish: pale orange. it's pale orange<br />bob: you know what? i don't care<br />goldfish: good<br />larry: let's go get dinner<br />goldfish: i vote the ice cream parlour<br />bob: yay!<br /><br /><br /><strong>Wednesday, February 01, 2006<br />another nother encounter with a goldfish (so soon!) </strong><br />goldfish: hello there<br />goldfish #2: hi<br />goldfish: what's your name<br />goldfish #2: to some i am the mighty destroyer of walls, conquerer of lands far and wide and slightly orange. to my friends, i am...<br />(dramatic music)<br />goldfish #2: jeremy<br />goldfish: hi there jeremy (under his breath) hehe “jeremy,” what a silly name<br />jeremy: so what do they call you?<br />goldfish: goldfish<br />jeremy: oh. (pause) how original<br />goldfish: yes, i s'pose it is<br />jeremy: well, i've got to go now.<br />(pause)<br />jeremy: walls to destroy and all that<br />goldfish: yes. bye<br />jeremy: (disappears in a puff of logic)<br /><br /><br /><strong>Sunday, February 05, 2006<br />300th post anniversary (featuring a goldfish) </strong><br />bob: guten soir<br />larry: (stares, mouth open)<br />bob: what? what did i do?<br />larry: you speak frerman?<br />bob: yeah, i only know one word<br />larry: dude, i am so jealous (bows to bob)<br />bob: that's right, bow to me (louder) all shall bow to me (louder still) i shall be king of the worrrrrrld...<br />goldfish: calm down<br />bob: ... and all goldfish shall be destroyed!<br />goldfish: (looks afraid) help me larry<br />larry: never fear, young one<br />bob: guten soir, larz, guten soir<br />larry: nooooooooo<br />(fade to black)<br />bob: i'm still here<br />larry: me too<br />goldfish: me three<br />(sound of gunshot)<br />goldfish: you missed<br />(bob lights a match)<br />bob: see? i can even see in the dark<br />larry: my hero<br />goldfish: (blows out match)<br />bob: nooooo, i only had one of those (whimpers) i'm scared of the dark<br />goldfish: it's ok, i can glow in the dark (glows)<br />larry: wow, my hero<br />bob: but... but... guten soir<br />larry: your mind tricks do not work on me, boy<br />bob: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<br />goldfish: come on, let's go<br />bob: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<br />lary: yeah<br />bob: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<br />larry: coming bob?<br />bob: ah! don't leave me in the dark<br />(they leave)<br />(writing comes up, something about true stories and 300 posts)<br /><br />end<br /><br /><strong>Monday, February 13, 2006<br />bob and larry VS the goldfish </strong><br />bob: waddup larz<br />larry: hey bob<br />bob: i've been thinkin'... this goldfish friend of mine is only bringing us trouble<br />larry: uh-huh<br />bob: i mean, he doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't pay the bills...<br />lary: yeah<br />bob: all he does is sit on my godamn shoulder the whole godamn day talkin' away about life in the godamn bowl. i wish he'd jus' shut up<br />larry: let's do 'im, bob. let's end it all, right here, right now<br />goldfish: have you forgotten my immense powers? i will strike you down<br />bob: if you strike me down i will become more possible than you could possibly imagine<br />larry: powerful<br />bob: er... yes. that's what i said<br />goldfish: so be it. i do not do this lightly... (strikes bob down heavily)<br />bob: noooooooooooooooooo (spreads wings)<br />larry: noooooooooooooooooo (jumps like a hound)<br />goldfish: we are going yellow (turns yellow)<br />bob: (becomes more possible than the goldfish could possible imagine)<br />goldfish: that's impossible!<br />bob: it ends here, goldfish, it ends now<br />(bullet time sequence)<br />goldfish: (strikes bob down again)<br />bob: nooooooooooo<br />larry: he is too powerful (leaps like a tyrannosaurus)<br />bob: i will never surrender<br />goldfish: just let me back in bob, that's all i ask<br />bob: i love you man (weeps)<br />goldfish: i love you too bob (passionate embrace)<br />larry: (soars like a blue whale) (explodes)<br />bob: did larry just explode?<br />larry: yeah, it was fun (grins)<br /><br />end<br /><br /><br /><strong>Saturday, February 18, 2006<br />Post 345 (The Return of The Goldfish) </strong><br />bob: gosh<br />larry: what is it this time?<br />bob: i think i'm in love<br />larry: uh... you're married, bob<br />bob: i am?<br />larry: yeah, remember? i was your best man<br />bob: oh yeah, right... uh... that didn't work out so well<br />larry: aw man, how come<br />bob: well it turned out she hated me and only wanted my money<br />larry: you don't have any money bob<br />bob: yeah i know. i lied to her and told her i was a millionaire... i didn't like her much either<br />larry: so what happened?<br />bob: we left each other simultaneously<br />larry: (looks confused)<br />bob: i went out the back, she went out the front, we both left notes saying we weren't coming back. it was six months before we realised<br />larry: ouch<br />goldfish: that happened to me once<br />bob: whatever. you're a goldfish<br />goldfish: so, it still happened<br />bob: (puts paper bag over goldfish's head)<br /><br />end<br /><br /><strong>Tuesday, February 21, 2006<br />another captivating encounter... with a goldfish</strong><br />bob: larry<br />larry: bob<br />bob: i have a cunning plan, larry. a plan so cunning that you could stick a tail on it and call it "weasel"<br />larry: you stole that line from blackadder<br />bob: (looks shifty) you can't prove that<br />larry: i can too (proves it)<br />bob: you can't outsmart me with stage directions damn you (damns larry)<br />larry: bob, bob bob<br />bob: (bobs)<br />larry: remember what happened last time?<br />bob: it hurt... i still bear the wounds to this day<br />larry: so can't we just end it now?<br />bob: what, you mean surrender? never!<br />larry: no, i just mean compromise<br />bob: what, you mean compromise? never! goldfish, attack!<br />goldfish: (attacks larry)<br />larry: noooooooooooooooooo<br />bob: mwahahaha. submit to me or die!<br />larry: i will do what ever you say, as long as i can keep my clothes on<br />bob: good. then you must listen to my Cunning Plan (dramatic music)<br /><br />*to be continued*<br /><br /><strong>Thursday, February 23, 2006<br />the goldfish strikes back </strong><br />bob: uh... where was i... ah yes. cunning plan and general smarminess<br />larry: yes, mighty bob. tell me your cunning plan<br />bob: ah yes. it goes like this: down the road there is a man who knows a man who knows a woman who knows a woman that used to be a man...<br />larry: (awaits further knowledge and wisdom with anticipation)<br />bob: ...who knows a man who knew a man but forgot about him, and that man had a small dog called frankenstien who bit a postman who delivered milk... no, letters... to a man who knew a man called jeremy<br />larry: yes?<br />bob: this man jeremy owns a goldfish called jeremy (his wife named it so because she says they are an exact match for each other in appearance and personality)<br />larry: lucky goldfish, lookin' like a human<br />goldfish: (glares at larry)<br />bob: anyway, the plan is this: we steal jeremy so that my goldfish has a friend to talk to when i go out or am reading or something<br />goldfish: i don't want a friend to talk to. i saw what happened to you after you met larry<br />larry: hey!<br />goldfish: anyway, i've met jeremy before. he's an idiot<br />bob: now now goldfish, don't i always know best?<br />goldfish: (glowers) (mutters under breath)<br />bob: and now... away, larry, away. seek out this jeremy, and steal him! steal him good! and don't come back until you have him<br /><br />...to be continued some more...<br /><br /><strong>Monday, February 27, 2006<br />part III of the mighty goldfish adventure</strong><br />bob: i see you have returned... empty handed<br />larry: jeremy said he'd rather walk<br />jeremy: heya, remember me?<br />goldfish: (produces pistol from somewhere)<br />bob: hey! play nice<br />goldfish: (carefully takes aim)<br />jeremy: so, what do you guys normally, like, do? like, just hang out, or do you par-tay, or<br />goldfish: (shoots jeremy)<br />jeremy: ow! that really hurt<br />goldfish: i ain't gonna pretend ya didn't have it coming, kid (rides off into the sunset)<br />bob: aw great<br />larry: looks like this plan wasn't so cunning after all<br />jeremy: hey, i've been shot. can you guys help me?<br />bob: so what're we gonna do, larz?<br />larry: i guess we could go home<br />bob: yeah, that's what i was thinkin'<br />jeremy: hey, what about me?<br />bob: you'll get over it<br />(bob and larry ride off into sunset)<br />jeremy: (realises that he is in fact a goldfish) (forgets) (remembers) man, i've been shot (calls ambulance) (elopes to Spain with the pretty nurse)<br /><br /><br /><strong>Tuesday, March 07, 2006<br />bob bob bob bob bob </strong><br />bob: uh... yo, larz<br />larry: hey bob<br />bob: hey. long time no see<br />larry: what do you mean? i saw you yesterday<br />bob: you did?<br />larry: yeah, you were in your room and you had these melons and you were sticking them on the wall. i came in and said hi<br />bob: oh... er... right. 'course you did<br />larry: yeah, and then you were cutting out these little pictures of cats and talking to them<br />bob: you're making this up dude<br />larry: and then there was the peaches and the mangoes...<br />bob: (goes bright red) restrain yourself!<br />larry: do you doubt me?<br />bob: doubt is such a strong word, larz<br />larry: i say it again, do you doubt me?<br />bob: no, dude, i love you<br />goldfish: (holding back tears) that's... that's the most beautiful thing i ever heard<br />bob: really? hey, tha...<br />goldfish: nah, i'm just kidding<br />(pause)<br />bob: oh<br />larry: um, bob, is there something you wanna tell me?<br />bob: the past is behind us, larry<br />(pause)<br />bob: was that meant to be funny?<br />(bigger pause)<br />goldfish: i'm gonna quit if you don't get your act together<br /><br /><br /><strong>Wednesday, March 08, 2006<br />the big 4-0-0 featuring a goldfish </strong><br />goldfish: ooooh, my bob, my darling i hunger for your touch, i...<br />bob: stow thy lip, fishy<br />larry: hey bob<br />bob: waddup, larz<br />larry: so, wanna go hunting?<br />bob: you mean for seals?<br />larry: you damn right i do<br />bob: ok, wait while i get my gun (gets his gun)<br />larry: (ties his shoelaces)<br />(several hours later)<br />bob: so, larry, did you ever hunt seals before?<br />larry: not as such, no<br />bob: but you're sure you know how it's done?<br />larry: it's fine bob, we're probably just looking for the wrong sort of tree<br />goldfish: i had a seal once<br />bob: dude, keep your personal history to yourself<br />larry: let's try this fir (shakes fir tree)<br />jeremy: (falls out of fir tree) ow!<br />bob: trying to catch our seals were you?<br />jeremy: no! no! i was after sperm whales<br />bob: oh yeah? where's your whaling boat?<br />jeremy: it's still up there (wails)<br />whaling boat: (falls out of fir tree) ow!<br />bob: ok, you've proved your point. you just tell us if you see any squirrels (cocks rifle menacingly)<br />larry: uh, you mean seals<br />bob: that's what i said<br />(a few days later)<br />goldfish: nice beard<br />bob: larry, you lied to us<br />larry: i swear i never bob... hey look! a genuine real-life seal wearing a pink tuxedo and a... a miniskirt?... and smoking a cigar! (points)<br />bob: (looks)<br />goldfish: (looks)<br />larry: (runs away)<br />bob: i can't see... wait a second!<br /><br />(to be continued)<br /><br />(continued)<br />bob: wait a second... that's not a cigar, it's a copper pipe. hey, where'd larry go?<br />goldfish: he's scarpered. buggered off, so he has *not stolen from monty python, honest*<br />bob: well let's go get him (goes and gets larry)<br />larry: you can't get me that easy<br />bob: yes i can<br />larry: i shall resist (resists) (resists some more)<br />bob: he's resisting, help me fishy!<br />goldfish: my... name... is... not... fishy! (pounces)<br />bob: er... nice pounce. where'd he go?<br />larry: i don't know, bob, i don't know<br /><br />(to be continued... some more!)<br />Tuesday, March 14, 2006<br />continued... some more! with goldfish<br />bob: so... uh... continuing...<br />larry: the goldfish. and seals<br />bob: ah yeah, stuff the goldfish. let's go find some seals<br />goldfish: but...<br />bob: ah, there you are hmm?<br />goldfish: i was just getting a closer look at this birch tree<br />bob: go find some seals<br />goldfish: ok<br />(several months later)<br />bob: hey look, it's the goldfish<br />goldfish: yo<br />bob: seals?<br />goldfish: turns out, most of 'em live in antarctica<br />bob: what?<br />goldfish: in the sea<br />bob: you're kidding<br />goldfish: no, for real<br />bob: you mean... larry lied to me?<br />larry: (looks guilty) it wasn't me<br />bob: (glares)<br />larry: it was my cousin<br />goldfish: (glares)<br />larry: i mean...<br />(pause)<br />larry: i'm sorry bob. i'm sorry<br /><br /><strong>Monday, March 20, 2006<br />all you need is a goldfish or two </strong><br />bob: larry, my old friend<br />larry: um... yes bob?<br />bob: we need to talk<br />larry: it wasn't me bob, i never done nothing<br />bob: don't get too cocky larry, it's not you we're going to talk about. you worthless swine. you piece of scum<br />larry: yes bob<br />bob: no, we're going to talk about your pal jeremy<br />larry: jeremy? what? no, he's not my...<br />bob: i saw you two behind the bikeshed larry. pedalling dope if i know anything about it. which i don't, a good, righteous man of the world like me...<br />larry: we weren't pedalling dope bob<br />bob: what were you doing then<br />larry: we were pedalling... um... pedals<br />bob: oh larry, how could you? think of the children!<br />larry: i was, bob, i was. i needed to feed my kids<br />bob: you have kids?<br />larry: well no, but i plan to one day<br />bob: larry?<br />larry: yes bob?<br />bob: (slaps larry)<br />larry: ouch<br />bob: you will talk, larry<br />larry: i am talking, bob<br />bob: tell me where to find jeremy<br />larry: don't do it bob, he is too strong for you<br />bob: (glares) (slaps larry again)<br />larry: he's just over there, pedalling small puppies from rwanda<br />jeremy: trinidad actually<br />larry: i thought you were pedalling them to trinidad<br />jeremy: oh no, they can pedal themselves<br />bob: i have you now<br />jeremy: um... would you like a small puppy? (profers puppy)<br />bob: what is it's name?<br />jeremy: frederick the younger<br />bob: no<br />jeremy: um... how about a pedal?<br />bob: (slaps jeremy)<br />jeremy: ow!<br />bob: you destroyed my wall<br />jeremy: that was back in the day... i was a sinner. but i'm an honest business man now, got a card and everything<br />bob: you hunted my blue whale<br />jeremy: i needed food to survive<br />bob: you tricked my friend larry<br />jeremy: it's not hard<br />bob: (slaps jeremy)<br />goldfish: stop! stop! can't we just have peace? violence is not the answer! peace, love and peace<br />bob and jeremy: ok<br />all: all you need is love...<br /><br />end<br /><br /><strong>Thursday, March 23, 2006<br />romantic comedy featuring a goldfish </strong><br />bob: hey larry<br />larry: 'sup bob<br />bob: i wrote you a song larry<br />larry: cool. how does it go?<br />bob: it doesn't have any words... LLO<br />larry: LLO?<br />bob: i mean... er... LOL. it was a typo<br />larry: how can it be a typo? we're speaking!<br />bob: well, duh! this is scripted. it's like a radio drama or something... or so they tell me. look, it says your name behind you<br />larry: where? i can't see it<br />bob: trust me<br />larry: uh... ok...<br />bob: we're billed as "romantic comedy"<br />larry: (is speechless)<br />goldfish: the little worms that eat my excrement on the bottom of the bowl are more romantic than us<br />bob: no comment<br />larry: i love you bob<br />bob: i love you too, larz<br />jeremy: i love you, sally<br />goldfish: (shoots jeremy (with a gun))<br />Tuesday, March 28, 2006<br />goldfishing<br />bob: larry<br />larry: hey bob, shouldn't you be doing work?<br />bob: don't talk to me about work larry. everyone's talking to me about work. suddenly i get a job and *bam*, i'm a local celebrity<br />larry: maybe it's cuz you finally went outside. whadda they say to you?<br />bob: well my neighbour said "hi." and somethin' about my hedge<br />larry: sheesh, the general public these days. you'd think they'd realise... we're only human too<br />(they turn a corner and encounter the goldfish)<br />bob: woah, woah... what's goin' down here?<br />goldfish: um... nothin' *whistles*<br />larry: it's jeremy! he's... he's...<br />goldfish: what?! this isn't my gun (throws gun away casually)<br />bob: oh goldfish, how could you?<br />goldfish: oh come on, he was...<br />jeremy: i'm not dead, it's alright<br />goldfish: what was that? (kicks jeremy)<br />jeremy: it's ok, i'm wearing a fully stab-proof, bullet-proof one-piece suit<br />goldfish: damnit... i mean... so you are. how convenient. i seemed to have accidentally shot you…<br />jeremy: five times!<br />goldfish: butter fingers!<br />jeremy: well you know what, forget the whole killing thing, i'm sick of this neighbourhood. i'm gonna go destroy walls somewhere else<br />bob: as if you could<br />larry: bye<br />goldfish: (fires after jeremy)<br />bob: goldfish!<br />goldfish: oh come on, it's only a game. it's not like he's real...<br />jeremy: (gets run over by a dragon)<br /><br /><strong>Thursday, April 20, 2006<br />a memory problem and a glodshif </strong><br />bob: 'sup larz<br />larry: bob! long time no dig!<br />bob: i kno, n wass worse is dat i now speak like a bristolyan, ennet<br />larry: w'ever, trevor, you think you're clever but you never<br />bob: *looks stricken*<br />larry: aw, i'm sorry man<br />bob: *continues to look stricken*<br />larry: i was just kiddin' - hey, here, let me help you...<br />bob: leave me alone! i am in a state of strick<br />goldfish: *runs in* *pants*<br />bob: pants? what kind of place do you think this is?<br />goldfish: it's ok, we're in america, pants is trousers over here<br />bob: oh yeah, which state are we in then?<br />larry: strick, you said so yourself<br />bob: ohhh yeah<br />larry: *to the audience* by this time, america has taken over the world<br />bob: except for antarctica<br />larry: which is still ruled by us<br />bob: as a private seal-hunting ground<br />goldfish: i was running here for a reason<br />bob: what was that?<br />goldfish: uh...<br />bob: *to audience* three second memory *winks*<br />goldfish: who the hell are you?<br /><br /><br /><strong>Tuesday, May 09, 2006<br />end</strong><br />now bob and larry were old chums and they never had an angry word until one day bob got a goldfish, called it cider and sat it on his shoulder. larry was deeply envious and he set about trying to kill them both with a chainsaw. the battle raged on, long and hard, until one day an angel of the lord appeared unto them and said "be not afraid, god favours thee, you will bear a son." bob and larry (and cider) were a little confused by this until the angel realised he had made a simple grammatical error and was in fact meant to say "you will sun a bear." this they happily did, fanning it with palm leaves in the warm sand on the bahamas until the bear got bored and wandered off. it was at this point that frederick the wise (a common feature in my stories) rode in on his horse, followed by a thousand brigadiers of the green and orange variation. "charge," he cried, "chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge." and charge they did. right into the atlantic ocean (the bahamas are in the caribbean, right?). so anyway, several wet horses and a change of aircraft later larry, bob and the goldfish are back in the uk, sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. "i dunno," bob says mournfully, "all i wanted was to be somebody." "you are someone, bob," the goldfish says kindly. "yeah," agrees larry, "some freakin' idiot." bob realises that larry is still resentful. "are you still upset about the goldfish?" "no," larry says. "it's about casandra." dramatic music soars in, the lights dim, fire falls from the heavens... the showdown begins.<br />larry: (in dreamy, echoey tones) it's... about... casandra<br />(pause, while dramatic music plays some more and the lights dim even further)<br />bob: (from total darkness) who the hell is casandra?<br />larry: you know, that girl from summer camp back in '95<br />bob: that was a guy, his name was frederick the younger and nothing happened<br />larry: i'm confused<br />bob: so am i<br />frederick the smaller: so am i<br />larry: who the hell are you?<br />frederick the smaller: casandra... i mean... fred<br />larry: bob, fred and larry. how cliched. wait a minute, did you say casandra?<br />bob: who's casandra<br />anthony: who are you?<br />larry: who the hell are you?<br />caeser: i am caeser<br />spartacus: i'm spartacus<br />casandra: no, i'm spartacus<br />goldfish: doesn't spartacus have an "i"?<br />spottswoode: there is no "i" in "team america"<br />vin deisel: there are two "i"s in "chuck norris." no wait, that was me, something about a team, oh no, i'm bald!<br />bob: er... i've got to go... gotta see a man about a blog...<br />larry: me two<br />goldfish: me three<br />(exit stage left, turn, bow, realise they are in the dressing room, enter stage right, bow)<br />goldfish: my name is not cider<br /><br />end<br /><br /><em>Robin Mitchell had an attack of bad humour at this point, and ended the stories. He will never write again.* He would like to thank Bob and Larry (and the goldfish) for all the fun they brought him, as well as all the readers of his blog for various encouragements and stupid comments.</em><br /><br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">*contary to this remark, Robin will willingly re-enter writing for any substantial sum of money. Details can be discussed by writing to him.</span></em><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/1178779465051164352-3437658218112783459?l=somethingaboutagoldfish.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robertohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03765533476512838397noreply@blogger.com0