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you can find the complete "Goldfish" Archives (post 2 - bottom), and the complete "Monsters" series (post 1 - top)

Friday, 29 February 2008


New series beginning, about kittens. In tins.

Monday, 26 February 2007

The Monsters Under My Bed - Season 1

the monsters under my bed #1
badass: once upon a time there was a being that was half man, half donkey. they called him "badass." this is a portmanteau of the adjective "bad," referring to the mischievous character traits of the subject, and the noun "ass," a colloquial English term for a donkey. the word "badass" is also a slang term in its own right, used to describe someone who is "Mean or belligerent; Awesome, amazing, or incredible, often in a defiant manner; Tough." Hence there is a pun, or a "play on words."
[pan to badass]
badass: hi. [winks] i am that same badass... and yes, ladies, i know what you're thinking: i am bad, and i am an ass. [pan to jacques]
jacques: life eezn't easy when you're an azz. thees where i come in: i am hees minder, hees friend, hees comrade. i bring 'eem carrots, oats to chew on, fields to plough, little rubber duckies to play weeth, wooden posts to mate, small tigers to devour. wizout me, he 'ees nothing. ma name ees jacques, ze french monsteur! [triumphant music] [pause] ees because i am french, and an monsteur! oui oui! [pan to bobby]
bobby: i eat things
[curtains close, end credits] [have a cigar]
badass: you know, in this chaotic world of mess and mayhem one finds it immensely easy to get caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts regarding life, death, disaster, The Great Abyss... despair. "meaningless, meaningless, life is meaningless." i therefore took it upon myself to find some purpose in life, a Means to divert myself from thinking about the inevitable End: a quest, a goal, a vision.
bobby: [in awe] a vision
badass: there are limitations that are automatically imposed when one is half man, half donkey. modelling was out of the question, nascar doubly so. i considered running for prime minister, perhaps spending a year with the pope. i even contemplated attempting to find salvation through religion. [pause] but then i figured it would be more fun to traumatise people by scaring the crap out of them.
jacques: 'ee likez to scare zee leetle children most off all
bobby: [in awe] zee children
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
badass: needless to say, the occupation has its highs and lows, its Romeos and its Juliets, its Steps and its S-Club Sevens, its lentil and bacon soup and...
jacques: [interupting] i think zat's enough: oui, oui?
badass: good, because i had no idea where that was going
bobby: [in awe] cheese toasties
jacques: zat's ma boy! tres bien

the monsters under my bed #2
badass: slavery. it’s an evil practice, as i think we would unanimously concur…
jacques: badass ees irritat’ed today becoss he ask me, “please jacques ma friend, release me uv ma boond?”
badass: my family has a long-standing history of being enslaved to the jacques. in this day and age one would expect human rights to be respected – especially as jacques and i are such dear pals – but he refuses to sign the legislation required for me to become a free man.
bobby: half man, half donkey
jacques: [cuffs bobby] zat vill do, bobert! [turns to camera] i should observe zat while many consider eet impossible for a master-slave relationsheep to… ah - be maintained? - in ze context of a friendsheep, i‘ave discoveered zat badass and i ‘ave managed quite successfully zees many years. [to badass] you see, ma friend, not only are you compelled by duty to remain wiz me (and you know how valuable your company ees), but you must also do zee many menial chores i request of you zat you detest so much. [to camera] vatch zees, it will be very amusing. [to badass] per’aps you could fetch me some money from ma bank? Two-‘undred poundz. ‘ere ees ma card and details…
badass: [aside] despite his claims, jacques has long since ceased to demand slave’s duties of me: the legislation is merely a matter of principle. like any fool, he likes to tease; unfortunately, by trusting me, he reveals himself to be that very fool. [retrieves £500 from cash machine] that’s two-hundred for my dear friend, and three-hundred for my leisure…
jacques: [aside] ‘ees right, i do love to tease. but i am no fool: i geef him bobby’s card! ooh la la!
bobby: hey!
jacques: [cuffs bobby] enough already, i say!

the monsters under my bed #3
badass: so: we're monstrous apparitions, we scare people - right?
bobby: right?
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
franklin: what does that mean, "cuffs bobby?" it could be any number of actions, an exotic dish, or is it a name? perhaps it's a...
bobby: who the hell are you?
franklin: franklin
bobby: oh. hi franklin
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
bobby: ow!
jacques: see, zat is vat it means. now begone already, franklin! your time 'az not yet come
badass: so anyway, my point is: you haven't yet seen us in action. "where is the fear?" you cry. "well," i say, a little ironically: "fear not!" [pan out to reveal a bed under which badass, jacques and bobby are lying] [pan out a little further to reveal jeremy sitting on the bed]
jacques: [whispers] in a few moments, ees mother will come to put 'eem to bed.
bobby: [loudly] but he's twenty-five! TWENTY-FIVE!
jacques: zey are a strange family
bobby: [loudly] what, no cuffing? NO CUFFING?
jacques: [cuffs bobby] enough already, bobert.
[mother enters, tucks jeremy into bed, leaves]
badass: now, if you hadn't already deduced, is the time that we strike. bobby, would you do the honours?
mother: [peers into room] what on earth was that noise?
jacques: [cuffs bobby] be silent!
mother: oh, i must have been imagining things [leaves]
badass: are you sacred yet, jeremy?
jeremy: not really
badass: and you are aware that i am half man, half donkey?
jeremy: i am now. how odd
jeremy: now, that's just disgusting
bobby: [a little uncertainly] um... Roar! Roar!
jeremy: [titters] pathetic
bobby: [cuffs jeremy]
jeremy: [bursts into tears]
bobby: [grins]
badass: excellent! objective achieved (the victim has been reduced to a quivering wreck of tears), we can now leave. jacques, if you would...
jacques: [explodes a large hole in the wall]
[they leave]

the monsters under my bed #4
badass: were you aware that bobby is an aristocrat?
bobby: aristo-crat [smiles]
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
bobby: get your dirty hands off me, you frenchy peasant infidel scum!
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
bobby: ow! now that really hurt
badass: yes, it's true. he comes direct from a line of ignorant, aloof, incestuous, ugly and stuck-up ponces. his real name is sir robert humphries, earl of somewhereorother and monster under a bed. needless to say, he experienced a mid-life crisis aged thirteen and has rarely spent a day sober since - hence his passivity and supposed idiocy
bobby: [slowly] idiocy
jacques: exactly, bobert ma good sir
badass: but today bobby has had his last drink, isn't that right?
bobby: [slowly] drink
badass: [aside] why is he still doing that?
jacques: i slip 'im some more bee-arr. when he is a leetle ditzy he doesn't notice so much eef i hit 'eem [cuffs bobby]
bobby: ow!
jacques: or not. i no-know...
badass: point is, jacques and i have decided it's time to get our friend cleaned up once and for all. after all, having a real-life earl under your bed would surely be far more terrifying than a pissed monkey...
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
badass: alright jacques, that will do
bobby: [grins]
badass: [cuffs bobby] stop that!
jacques: so anyway, the ass and i researched a nombre of ways for wheech to get a man off alcohol. zere are several AA groups and rehab centres in ze vincinity, as vell as non-alcoholic dreenks etc.
badass: we decided the best way would be to tie him to a tree and leave him there for two weeks. so just sit yourself down here, bobby old chap...
bobby: [sits down against tree]
badass: ...and we tie him here like *so*... and...
jacques: voila!
badass: thank you
jacques: no, thank you
badass: i will
jacques: you had better
badass: yes
jacques: exactly
bobby: why am i tied to a tree?
badass: now then robert, you just relax there and we'll be back in two weeks with a nice glass of water. welcome back to being sober...
[jacques and badass leave]
bobby: hey!

the monsters under my bed #5
bobby: [tied to a tree] hey there, peasant
franklin: what ho! who are you? what goes here?
bobby: i am sir robert humphries somebody, ruler of these lands, and i am tired to a tree
franklin: so you are!
bobby: so i am! now cut me loose immediately before i die of thirst
franklin: [hurriedly untying bobby’s bonds] dear god! how long have you been here?
bobby: almost half an hour. great heavens, the sun is so hot. have you any whiskey?
franklin: why certainly, i’ll just…
badass: whoah there!
jacques: and vat ‘ave we ‘eer? franklin, don’t tell me you are aiding zees poor man in ‘ees self-destruction?
franklin: wuh… buh…
badass: [aside] just as well we decided to come back and check on him, the rapscallion
jacques: now undo your wrongs and tie ‘eem back up. pronto!
bobby: oh, bugger
jacques: now zen bobert, no need to curse
badass: hey-hey, this tying business is really quite unnecessary – we just wanted to make a point, dear bobby
bobby: well, you’ve made your point. i see: you hate me and want me to leave for zambia right away
badass: well, i was hoping somewhere a little further away…
jacques: nonsense bobby ma friend, we love you! [kisses bobby] we don’t vant to see you threw your life avay, that ees all
bobby: jacques?
jacques: oui, oui?
bobby: if you kiss me again i will vomit on your shoes

the monsters under my bed #6
bobby: creepy, creepy, creepy-creep, i will scare you with a sheep
jacques: que?
badass: back in the field, robert, jacques and i are preparing to terrify this young child... with a sheep
franklin: you cruel, cruel people
badass: hey! it's my job
franklin: you're half man, half donkey. how can you even have a job? that's just ridiculous...
bobby: you know, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist
jacques: how is that even relevant? and frankie, ma friend, sod oeuf!
franklin: did you translate that using babel fish? [disappears in a puff of logic] aw man...
badass: so, with utmost precaution and care we have managed to arrive unharmed here, in the child's room. bobby has the sheep now
[pan to bobby with sheep]
jacques: and on ma count: un, deux, trois...
bobby: fly! fly! fly! [hurls sheep at the sleeping child]
child: [awakes, screaming]
sheep: baa
bobby: success!

the monsters under my bed #7
badass: talk to me, robert
bobby: i've lost the plot!
jacques: don't be a fool, man. vere are you?
bobby: i think i'm in star wars
badass: nonsense! we're in beijing, snap out of it
bobby: oh god! ewoks!
jacques: stay viz me, bobert, we aff some leetle chinese children to terrify today
franklin: no need to be racist
badass: pray tell us, frankie, how that harmless remark could be interpreted as inciting racial hatred or otherwise implying racial prejudice?
franklin: well, there's no need to distinguish that these "leetle" children are chinese, is there? as we're in beijing one would assume that they are, but anyway the fact that they are chinese should be irrelevant to how you treat them
badass: by the hairs on your head i banish thee! we have children to scare, now sod off
franklin: [leaves]
jacques: anyvay, all chinese people are leetle
franklin: [shouts] i heard that!
jacques: othervise they wouldn't fit zem all in one country!
badass: hey! do you want to go too?
jacques: [shameful] sorry
bobby: are we gonna destroy this death star or what?
badass: children, robert, we're here to scare children
bobby: same difference. destroy these children, let's do it [charges into a wall]
badass: er...
[story ends abruptly on an awkward note]

the monsters under my bed #8
franklin: and with me now is the talented robin mitchell, and we're talking about criticism now... robin, how do you cope with criticism?
robin: well, i think generally the best thing to do is to listen to it, you know? i mean, well, i've got a new ep due out soon and people were saying "your stuff's too arty," and "it's not accessible to the common man" and "it needs more of a beat" so this new stuff is essentially rapped over a beat. it's called "the bitches shot the ho's in the driveby..."
badass: [turns off radio] a'ight, wagwan?
bobby: what did he say?
badass: i was just "talking gangster" - using colloquial commonly associated with the street/hip-hop movement
bobby: well, you are pretty badass
badass: yeah, i was even thinking about getting my arms grafted to my shoulders
jacques: ees been done already
badass: like you'd know
jacques: ay! in france, vee ave zee best eep-oop in zee world [beatboxes]
bobby: [is visibly embarrassed] please stop
badass: i have to say, though, if i was a small child about to go to sleep and i heard that, i'd be terrified
franklin: next time: the monster who scares kids with beatboxing! peace out, y'all

the monsters under my bed #9
badass: ...and that was how i was concieved
child: [bursts into tears]
badass: success!
jacques: 'aam not sure 'ee eez scared... more distressed, oui?
badass: a nod's as good as a wink as far as i'm concerned there, my froggy-frenchy-friend
bobby: bit racist
jacques: ach! i care not. better a frog than an ass, hmm?
badass: well! [strolls off in a huff]
bobby: the night is young and we have many to scare, let's not beat around the bush
badass: i say, was that shakespeare?
bobby: no
jacques: right...

the monsters under my bed #10
badass: so, to conclude my eventful and decorative narrative, there was a clap of thunder, a strike of lightning and a big kabloosh. at that precise moment i awoke, bewildered and disorientated, and then it was morning
jacques: [sniffs] badass, ma friend, zat 'ees ze most be-autiful thing i 'aff ever heard
badass: but... but it was a tragedy! my mother died!
jacques: oh! well, i wasn't really listening, i was watching robert
bobby: but i'm not doing anything
jacques: i am always watching robert, watching and waiting
bobby: [cowers in fear]
franklin: well then, fellows! it's the end of your first season together - HOW DOES IT FEEL?
bobby: [jumps] ow!
badass: must you shout so loud?
franklin: sorry, i was getting a bit excited...
jacques: i keep telling you, frankie, you don't even belong 'ere. go back to your own script
franklin: ...the end of "the monsters under my bed" season one, a tremendous failure on all accounts. allow me to read you some statistics: children succesfully scared - 2, monsters - 1, laughs - 0
badass: at least we got in a multi-cultural element
jacques: erm...
badass: i mean, jacques is our frenchie-thru-and-thru funny chappy thing
jacques: about that...
bobby: oh no
jacques: i'm not actually french, you fools! why else would i have such a preposterous accent?! oh, what a disaster
bobby: at least we have each other

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

The Goldfish Archives

Taken from "Making Sense Of Me," January - May 2006

Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A Story About Goldfish

larry: hello Bob
bob: hello Larry
larry: is that a goldfish on your shoulder Bob?
bob: yes Larry, it is.
larry: it reminds me of your mother
bob: what, small and orange?
larry: no
bob: what then
larry: i’m not telling
bob: screw you Larry
larry: screw you Bob. and your goldfish (dances)
bob: you can't throw random stage directions at me (makes kebabs)
larry: i shall destroy you (destroys Bob)
goldfish: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


Monday, January 16, 2006
a fascinating dramatic production focusing on the particular character traits of goldfish

bob: hey larz
larry: hey bob
bob: wanna go hang out
larry: we are hanging out, bob
bob: i meant wanna go hang out some place cool
goldfish: (grins) like, underwater cool?
larry: don't even think about it (glares at goldfish)
goldfish: (wails, gnashes teeth)
bob: aw man, you made my goldfish cry
larry: sorry
(awkward silence)
larry: hey, goldfish can't cry


Sunday, January 22, 2006
a short interlude involving a conversation between larry and bob and also featuring a goldfish

larry: so bob, let's take some time to reflect on the meaning of life
bob: sure thing larz. hey, what is the meaning of life anyway?
larry: darned if i know
goldfish: i think life is but a glass bowl, with sediment and rock on its base, that is half full or half empty with water
larry and bob: (make eye contact)
bob: goldfish eh? what do they know
larry: bloody aquatic worm-eaters
bob: let's go drink some coffee or something
(they stroll off into the sunset, whistling)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
more reflections on life, the universe and everything. featuring a bloody aquatic worm-eater

bob: larz
larry: hyeah?
bob: how ya... wait, did you just say "hyeah?"
larry: hyeah, maybe I did
bob: why?
larry: no reason
bob: she's getting to you
larry: who is?
bob: that girl i seen you hanging round with
larry: that was your goldfish
bob: my... my goldfish?
goldfish: i'm sorry bob, i didn't mean it, it was nothing serious, we was just hanging out
bob: you have betrayed me (holds head in hands)
larry: hey, that's pretty cool. how'd you do that? like, hold your head in your hands?
bob: huh? oh, i just did it. like this: (holds head in hands)
larry: hey, i could do that (holds head in hands) dude, that is so fun
goldfish: i wish i had a head

the end

Friday, January 27, 2006
the tale of the goldfish, featuring larry and bob

bob: waddup larz
larry: yo dogg
bob: well aren't you quite the gangster?
larry: i was just trying to be cool
goldfish: i'm cool... look at my big sunglasses
larry: can you even see out of those?
goldfish: i'm so cool that i don't even need to
bob: wow... that's pretty cool
larry: dude, that's your goldfish
bob: sorry man
larry: so what does it even mean to be cool?
goldfish: i think it's just an illusion inflicted upon the less-confident by the more-confident, and reinforced by the less-confident themselves
bob: i think it's when you're good-looking and get to pick up all the hottest chicks
larry: is that like chickens?

Tuesday, January 31, 2006
another encounter with a goldfish (but it’s quite boring)

bob: hey larz
larry: hey bob
bob: so, you do one of them personality tests?
larry: you damn right i did. did it gooood (takes drag on cigarette)
bob: what did you get?
larry: man, it said i was a lowdown scumsucker who spent his whole time arsing around and that my ideal career was a hobo
bob: that's harsh man
larry: yeah, gettin' my hopes up that i'd be a good hobo. how 'bout you, what'd you get?
bob: uh... jeez, i forget
goldfish: his said that he was a waste of space and that his ideal career would be as a human lab-rat
bob: oh whatever. i suppose you took the test too did you?
goldfish: apparently i am charismatic, friendly, optimistic and so genius that no human career would suit me
larry: so true
bob: did they mention that you were a backstabbing, duplicitous ginger?
goldfish: pale orange. it's pale orange
bob: you know what? i don't care
goldfish: good
larry: let's go get dinner
goldfish: i vote the ice cream parlour
bob: yay!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006
another nother encounter with a goldfish (so soon!)

goldfish: hello there
goldfish #2: hi
goldfish: what's your name
goldfish #2: to some i am the mighty destroyer of walls, conquerer of lands far and wide and slightly orange. to my friends, i am...
(dramatic music)
goldfish #2: jeremy
goldfish: hi there jeremy (under his breath) hehe “jeremy,” what a silly name
jeremy: so what do they call you?
goldfish: goldfish
jeremy: oh. (pause) how original
goldfish: yes, i s'pose it is
jeremy: well, i've got to go now.
jeremy: walls to destroy and all that
goldfish: yes. bye
jeremy: (disappears in a puff of logic)

Sunday, February 05, 2006
300th post anniversary (featuring a goldfish)

bob: guten soir
larry: (stares, mouth open)
bob: what? what did i do?
larry: you speak frerman?
bob: yeah, i only know one word
larry: dude, i am so jealous (bows to bob)
bob: that's right, bow to me (louder) all shall bow to me (louder still) i shall be king of the worrrrrrld...
goldfish: calm down
bob: ... and all goldfish shall be destroyed!
goldfish: (looks afraid) help me larry
larry: never fear, young one
bob: guten soir, larz, guten soir
larry: nooooooooo
(fade to black)
bob: i'm still here
larry: me too
goldfish: me three
(sound of gunshot)
goldfish: you missed
(bob lights a match)
bob: see? i can even see in the dark
larry: my hero
goldfish: (blows out match)
bob: nooooo, i only had one of those (whimpers) i'm scared of the dark
goldfish: it's ok, i can glow in the dark (glows)
larry: wow, my hero
bob: but... but... guten soir
larry: your mind tricks do not work on me, boy
bob: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
goldfish: come on, let's go
bob: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
lary: yeah
bob: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
larry: coming bob?
bob: ah! don't leave me in the dark
(they leave)
(writing comes up, something about true stories and 300 posts)


Monday, February 13, 2006
bob and larry VS the goldfish

bob: waddup larz
larry: hey bob
bob: i've been thinkin'... this goldfish friend of mine is only bringing us trouble
larry: uh-huh
bob: i mean, he doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't pay the bills...
lary: yeah
bob: all he does is sit on my godamn shoulder the whole godamn day talkin' away about life in the godamn bowl. i wish he'd jus' shut up
larry: let's do 'im, bob. let's end it all, right here, right now
goldfish: have you forgotten my immense powers? i will strike you down
bob: if you strike me down i will become more possible than you could possibly imagine
larry: powerful
bob: er... yes. that's what i said
goldfish: so be it. i do not do this lightly... (strikes bob down heavily)
bob: noooooooooooooooooo (spreads wings)
larry: noooooooooooooooooo (jumps like a hound)
goldfish: we are going yellow (turns yellow)
bob: (becomes more possible than the goldfish could possible imagine)
goldfish: that's impossible!
bob: it ends here, goldfish, it ends now
(bullet time sequence)
goldfish: (strikes bob down again)
bob: nooooooooooo
larry: he is too powerful (leaps like a tyrannosaurus)
bob: i will never surrender
goldfish: just let me back in bob, that's all i ask
bob: i love you man (weeps)
goldfish: i love you too bob (passionate embrace)
larry: (soars like a blue whale) (explodes)
bob: did larry just explode?
larry: yeah, it was fun (grins)


Saturday, February 18, 2006
Post 345 (The Return of The Goldfish)

bob: gosh
larry: what is it this time?
bob: i think i'm in love
larry: uh... you're married, bob
bob: i am?
larry: yeah, remember? i was your best man
bob: oh yeah, right... uh... that didn't work out so well
larry: aw man, how come
bob: well it turned out she hated me and only wanted my money
larry: you don't have any money bob
bob: yeah i know. i lied to her and told her i was a millionaire... i didn't like her much either
larry: so what happened?
bob: we left each other simultaneously
larry: (looks confused)
bob: i went out the back, she went out the front, we both left notes saying we weren't coming back. it was six months before we realised
larry: ouch
goldfish: that happened to me once
bob: whatever. you're a goldfish
goldfish: so, it still happened
bob: (puts paper bag over goldfish's head)


Tuesday, February 21, 2006
another captivating encounter... with a goldfish

bob: larry
larry: bob
bob: i have a cunning plan, larry. a plan so cunning that you could stick a tail on it and call it "weasel"
larry: you stole that line from blackadder
bob: (looks shifty) you can't prove that
larry: i can too (proves it)
bob: you can't outsmart me with stage directions damn you (damns larry)
larry: bob, bob bob
bob: (bobs)
larry: remember what happened last time?
bob: it hurt... i still bear the wounds to this day
larry: so can't we just end it now?
bob: what, you mean surrender? never!
larry: no, i just mean compromise
bob: what, you mean compromise? never! goldfish, attack!
goldfish: (attacks larry)
larry: noooooooooooooooooo
bob: mwahahaha. submit to me or die!
larry: i will do what ever you say, as long as i can keep my clothes on
bob: good. then you must listen to my Cunning Plan (dramatic music)

*to be continued*

Thursday, February 23, 2006
the goldfish strikes back

bob: uh... where was i... ah yes. cunning plan and general smarminess
larry: yes, mighty bob. tell me your cunning plan
bob: ah yes. it goes like this: down the road there is a man who knows a man who knows a woman who knows a woman that used to be a man...
larry: (awaits further knowledge and wisdom with anticipation)
bob: ...who knows a man who knew a man but forgot about him, and that man had a small dog called frankenstien who bit a postman who delivered milk... no, letters... to a man who knew a man called jeremy
larry: yes?
bob: this man jeremy owns a goldfish called jeremy (his wife named it so because she says they are an exact match for each other in appearance and personality)
larry: lucky goldfish, lookin' like a human
goldfish: (glares at larry)
bob: anyway, the plan is this: we steal jeremy so that my goldfish has a friend to talk to when i go out or am reading or something
goldfish: i don't want a friend to talk to. i saw what happened to you after you met larry
larry: hey!
goldfish: anyway, i've met jeremy before. he's an idiot
bob: now now goldfish, don't i always know best?
goldfish: (glowers) (mutters under breath)
bob: and now... away, larry, away. seek out this jeremy, and steal him! steal him good! and don't come back until you have him

...to be continued some more...

Monday, February 27, 2006
part III of the mighty goldfish adventure

bob: i see you have returned... empty handed
larry: jeremy said he'd rather walk
jeremy: heya, remember me?
goldfish: (produces pistol from somewhere)
bob: hey! play nice
goldfish: (carefully takes aim)
jeremy: so, what do you guys normally, like, do? like, just hang out, or do you par-tay, or
goldfish: (shoots jeremy)
jeremy: ow! that really hurt
goldfish: i ain't gonna pretend ya didn't have it coming, kid (rides off into the sunset)
bob: aw great
larry: looks like this plan wasn't so cunning after all
jeremy: hey, i've been shot. can you guys help me?
bob: so what're we gonna do, larz?
larry: i guess we could go home
bob: yeah, that's what i was thinkin'
jeremy: hey, what about me?
bob: you'll get over it
(bob and larry ride off into sunset)
jeremy: (realises that he is in fact a goldfish) (forgets) (remembers) man, i've been shot (calls ambulance) (elopes to Spain with the pretty nurse)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006
bob bob bob bob bob

bob: uh... yo, larz
larry: hey bob
bob: hey. long time no see
larry: what do you mean? i saw you yesterday
bob: you did?
larry: yeah, you were in your room and you had these melons and you were sticking them on the wall. i came in and said hi
bob: oh... er... right. 'course you did
larry: yeah, and then you were cutting out these little pictures of cats and talking to them
bob: you're making this up dude
larry: and then there was the peaches and the mangoes...
bob: (goes bright red) restrain yourself!
larry: do you doubt me?
bob: doubt is such a strong word, larz
larry: i say it again, do you doubt me?
bob: no, dude, i love you
goldfish: (holding back tears) that's... that's the most beautiful thing i ever heard
bob: really? hey, tha...
goldfish: nah, i'm just kidding
bob: oh
larry: um, bob, is there something you wanna tell me?
bob: the past is behind us, larry
bob: was that meant to be funny?
(bigger pause)
goldfish: i'm gonna quit if you don't get your act together

Wednesday, March 08, 2006
the big 4-0-0 featuring a goldfish

goldfish: ooooh, my bob, my darling i hunger for your touch, i...
bob: stow thy lip, fishy
larry: hey bob
bob: waddup, larz
larry: so, wanna go hunting?
bob: you mean for seals?
larry: you damn right i do
bob: ok, wait while i get my gun (gets his gun)
larry: (ties his shoelaces)
(several hours later)
bob: so, larry, did you ever hunt seals before?
larry: not as such, no
bob: but you're sure you know how it's done?
larry: it's fine bob, we're probably just looking for the wrong sort of tree
goldfish: i had a seal once
bob: dude, keep your personal history to yourself
larry: let's try this fir (shakes fir tree)
jeremy: (falls out of fir tree) ow!
bob: trying to catch our seals were you?
jeremy: no! no! i was after sperm whales
bob: oh yeah? where's your whaling boat?
jeremy: it's still up there (wails)
whaling boat: (falls out of fir tree) ow!
bob: ok, you've proved your point. you just tell us if you see any squirrels (cocks rifle menacingly)
larry: uh, you mean seals
bob: that's what i said
(a few days later)
goldfish: nice beard
bob: larry, you lied to us
larry: i swear i never bob... hey look! a genuine real-life seal wearing a pink tuxedo and a... a miniskirt?... and smoking a cigar! (points)
bob: (looks)
goldfish: (looks)
larry: (runs away)
bob: i can't see... wait a second!

(to be continued)

bob: wait a second... that's not a cigar, it's a copper pipe. hey, where'd larry go?
goldfish: he's scarpered. buggered off, so he has *not stolen from monty python, honest*
bob: well let's go get him (goes and gets larry)
larry: you can't get me that easy
bob: yes i can
larry: i shall resist (resists) (resists some more)
bob: he's resisting, help me fishy!
goldfish: my... name... is... not... fishy! (pounces)
bob: er... nice pounce. where'd he go?
larry: i don't know, bob, i don't know

(to be continued... some more!)
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
continued... some more! with goldfish
bob: so... uh... continuing...
larry: the goldfish. and seals
bob: ah yeah, stuff the goldfish. let's go find some seals
goldfish: but...
bob: ah, there you are hmm?
goldfish: i was just getting a closer look at this birch tree
bob: go find some seals
goldfish: ok
(several months later)
bob: hey look, it's the goldfish
goldfish: yo
bob: seals?
goldfish: turns out, most of 'em live in antarctica
bob: what?
goldfish: in the sea
bob: you're kidding
goldfish: no, for real
bob: you mean... larry lied to me?
larry: (looks guilty) it wasn't me
bob: (glares)
larry: it was my cousin
goldfish: (glares)
larry: i mean...
larry: i'm sorry bob. i'm sorry

Monday, March 20, 2006
all you need is a goldfish or two

bob: larry, my old friend
larry: um... yes bob?
bob: we need to talk
larry: it wasn't me bob, i never done nothing
bob: don't get too cocky larry, it's not you we're going to talk about. you worthless swine. you piece of scum
larry: yes bob
bob: no, we're going to talk about your pal jeremy
larry: jeremy? what? no, he's not my...
bob: i saw you two behind the bikeshed larry. pedalling dope if i know anything about it. which i don't, a good, righteous man of the world like me...
larry: we weren't pedalling dope bob
bob: what were you doing then
larry: we were pedalling... um... pedals
bob: oh larry, how could you? think of the children!
larry: i was, bob, i was. i needed to feed my kids
bob: you have kids?
larry: well no, but i plan to one day
bob: larry?
larry: yes bob?
bob: (slaps larry)
larry: ouch
bob: you will talk, larry
larry: i am talking, bob
bob: tell me where to find jeremy
larry: don't do it bob, he is too strong for you
bob: (glares) (slaps larry again)
larry: he's just over there, pedalling small puppies from rwanda
jeremy: trinidad actually
larry: i thought you were pedalling them to trinidad
jeremy: oh no, they can pedal themselves
bob: i have you now
jeremy: um... would you like a small puppy? (profers puppy)
bob: what is it's name?
jeremy: frederick the younger
bob: no
jeremy: um... how about a pedal?
bob: (slaps jeremy)
jeremy: ow!
bob: you destroyed my wall
jeremy: that was back in the day... i was a sinner. but i'm an honest business man now, got a card and everything
bob: you hunted my blue whale
jeremy: i needed food to survive
bob: you tricked my friend larry
jeremy: it's not hard
bob: (slaps jeremy)
goldfish: stop! stop! can't we just have peace? violence is not the answer! peace, love and peace
bob and jeremy: ok
all: all you need is love...


Thursday, March 23, 2006
romantic comedy featuring a goldfish

bob: hey larry
larry: 'sup bob
bob: i wrote you a song larry
larry: cool. how does it go?
bob: it doesn't have any words... LLO
larry: LLO?
bob: i mean... er... LOL. it was a typo
larry: how can it be a typo? we're speaking!
bob: well, duh! this is scripted. it's like a radio drama or something... or so they tell me. look, it says your name behind you
larry: where? i can't see it
bob: trust me
larry: uh... ok...
bob: we're billed as "romantic comedy"
larry: (is speechless)
goldfish: the little worms that eat my excrement on the bottom of the bowl are more romantic than us
bob: no comment
larry: i love you bob
bob: i love you too, larz
jeremy: i love you, sally
goldfish: (shoots jeremy (with a gun))
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
bob: larry
larry: hey bob, shouldn't you be doing work?
bob: don't talk to me about work larry. everyone's talking to me about work. suddenly i get a job and *bam*, i'm a local celebrity
larry: maybe it's cuz you finally went outside. whadda they say to you?
bob: well my neighbour said "hi." and somethin' about my hedge
larry: sheesh, the general public these days. you'd think they'd realise... we're only human too
(they turn a corner and encounter the goldfish)
bob: woah, woah... what's goin' down here?
goldfish: um... nothin' *whistles*
larry: it's jeremy! he's... he's...
goldfish: what?! this isn't my gun (throws gun away casually)
bob: oh goldfish, how could you?
goldfish: oh come on, he was...
jeremy: i'm not dead, it's alright
goldfish: what was that? (kicks jeremy)
jeremy: it's ok, i'm wearing a fully stab-proof, bullet-proof one-piece suit
goldfish: damnit... i mean... so you are. how convenient. i seemed to have accidentally shot you…
jeremy: five times!
goldfish: butter fingers!
jeremy: well you know what, forget the whole killing thing, i'm sick of this neighbourhood. i'm gonna go destroy walls somewhere else
bob: as if you could
larry: bye
goldfish: (fires after jeremy)
bob: goldfish!
goldfish: oh come on, it's only a game. it's not like he's real...
jeremy: (gets run over by a dragon)

Thursday, April 20, 2006
a memory problem and a glodshif

bob: 'sup larz
larry: bob! long time no dig!
bob: i kno, n wass worse is dat i now speak like a bristolyan, ennet
larry: w'ever, trevor, you think you're clever but you never
bob: *looks stricken*
larry: aw, i'm sorry man
bob: *continues to look stricken*
larry: i was just kiddin' - hey, here, let me help you...
bob: leave me alone! i am in a state of strick
goldfish: *runs in* *pants*
bob: pants? what kind of place do you think this is?
goldfish: it's ok, we're in america, pants is trousers over here
bob: oh yeah, which state are we in then?
larry: strick, you said so yourself
bob: ohhh yeah
larry: *to the audience* by this time, america has taken over the world
bob: except for antarctica
larry: which is still ruled by us
bob: as a private seal-hunting ground
goldfish: i was running here for a reason
bob: what was that?
goldfish: uh...
bob: *to audience* three second memory *winks*
goldfish: who the hell are you?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

now bob and larry were old chums and they never had an angry word until one day bob got a goldfish, called it cider and sat it on his shoulder. larry was deeply envious and he set about trying to kill them both with a chainsaw. the battle raged on, long and hard, until one day an angel of the lord appeared unto them and said "be not afraid, god favours thee, you will bear a son." bob and larry (and cider) were a little confused by this until the angel realised he had made a simple grammatical error and was in fact meant to say "you will sun a bear." this they happily did, fanning it with palm leaves in the warm sand on the bahamas until the bear got bored and wandered off. it was at this point that frederick the wise (a common feature in my stories) rode in on his horse, followed by a thousand brigadiers of the green and orange variation. "charge," he cried, "chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge." and charge they did. right into the atlantic ocean (the bahamas are in the caribbean, right?). so anyway, several wet horses and a change of aircraft later larry, bob and the goldfish are back in the uk, sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. "i dunno," bob says mournfully, "all i wanted was to be somebody." "you are someone, bob," the goldfish says kindly. "yeah," agrees larry, "some freakin' idiot." bob realises that larry is still resentful. "are you still upset about the goldfish?" "no," larry says. "it's about casandra." dramatic music soars in, the lights dim, fire falls from the heavens... the showdown begins.
larry: (in dreamy, echoey tones) it's... about... casandra
(pause, while dramatic music plays some more and the lights dim even further)
bob: (from total darkness) who the hell is casandra?
larry: you know, that girl from summer camp back in '95
bob: that was a guy, his name was frederick the younger and nothing happened
larry: i'm confused
bob: so am i
frederick the smaller: so am i
larry: who the hell are you?
frederick the smaller: casandra... i mean... fred
larry: bob, fred and larry. how cliched. wait a minute, did you say casandra?
bob: who's casandra
anthony: who are you?
larry: who the hell are you?
caeser: i am caeser
spartacus: i'm spartacus
casandra: no, i'm spartacus
goldfish: doesn't spartacus have an "i"?
spottswoode: there is no "i" in "team america"
vin deisel: there are two "i"s in "chuck norris." no wait, that was me, something about a team, oh no, i'm bald!
bob: er... i've got to go... gotta see a man about a blog...
larry: me two
goldfish: me three
(exit stage left, turn, bow, realise they are in the dressing room, enter stage right, bow)
goldfish: my name is not cider


Robin Mitchell had an attack of bad humour at this point, and ended the stories. He will never write again.* He would like to thank Bob and Larry (and the goldfish) for all the fun they brought him, as well as all the readers of his blog for various encouragements and stupid comments.

*contary to this remark, Robin will willingly re-enter writing for any substantial sum of money. Details can be discussed by writing to him.