the monsters under my bed #1
badass: once upon a time there was a being that was half man, half donkey. they called him "badass." this is a portmanteau of the adjective "bad," referring to the mischievous character traits of the subject, and the noun "ass," a colloquial English term for a donkey. the word "badass" is also a slang term in its own right, used to describe someone who is "Mean or belligerent; Awesome, amazing, or incredible, often in a defiant manner; Tough." Hence there is a pun, or a "play on words."
[pan to badass]
badass: hi. [winks] i am that same badass... and yes, ladies, i know what you're thinking: i am bad, and i am an ass. [pan to jacques]
jacques: life eezn't easy when you're an azz. thees where i come in: i am hees minder, hees friend, hees comrade. i bring 'eem carrots, oats to chew on, fields to plough, little rubber duckies to play weeth, wooden posts to mate, small tigers to devour. wizout me, he 'ees nothing. ma name ees jacques, ze french monsteur! [triumphant music] [pause] ees because i am french, and an monsteur! oui oui! [pan to bobby]
bobby: i eat things
[curtains close, end credits] [have a cigar]
badass: you know, in this chaotic world of mess and mayhem one finds it immensely easy to get caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts regarding life, death, disaster, The Great Abyss... despair. "meaningless, meaningless, life is meaningless." i therefore took it upon myself to find some purpose in life, a Means to divert myself from thinking about the inevitable End: a quest, a goal, a vision.
bobby: [in awe] a vision
badass: there are limitations that are automatically imposed when one is half man, half donkey. modelling was out of the question, nascar doubly so. i considered running for prime minister, perhaps spending a year with the pope. i even contemplated attempting to find salvation through religion. [pause] but then i figured it would be more fun to traumatise people by scaring the crap out of them.
jacques: 'ee likez to scare zee leetle children most off all
bobby: [in awe] zee children
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
badass: needless to say, the occupation has its highs and lows, its Romeos and its Juliets, its Steps and its S-Club Sevens, its lentil and bacon soup and...
jacques: [interupting] i think zat's enough: oui, oui?
badass: good, because i had no idea where that was going
bobby: [in awe] cheese toasties
jacques: zat's ma boy! tres bien
the monsters under my bed #2
badass: slavery. it’s an evil practice, as i think we would unanimously concur…
jacques: badass ees irritat’ed today becoss he ask me, “please jacques ma friend, release me uv ma boond?”
badass: my family has a long-standing history of being enslaved to the jacques. in this day and age one would expect human rights to be respected – especially as jacques and i are such dear pals – but he refuses to sign the legislation required for me to become a free man.
bobby: half man, half donkey
jacques: [cuffs bobby] zat vill do, bobert! [turns to camera] i should observe zat while many consider eet impossible for a master-slave relationsheep to… ah - be maintained? - in ze context of a friendsheep, i‘ave discoveered zat badass and i ‘ave managed quite successfully zees many years. [to badass] you see, ma friend, not only are you compelled by duty to remain wiz me (and you know how valuable your company ees), but you must also do zee many menial chores i request of you zat you detest so much. [to camera] vatch zees, it will be very amusing. [to badass] per’aps you could fetch me some money from ma bank? Two-‘undred poundz. ‘ere ees ma card and details…
badass: [aside] despite his claims, jacques has long since ceased to demand slave’s duties of me: the legislation is merely a matter of principle. like any fool, he likes to tease; unfortunately, by trusting me, he reveals himself to be that very fool. [retrieves £500 from cash machine] that’s two-hundred for my dear friend, and three-hundred for my leisure…
jacques: [aside] ‘ees right, i do love to tease. but i am no fool: i geef him bobby’s card! ooh la la!
jacques: [cuffs bobby] enough already, i say!
the monsters under my bed #3
badass: so: we're monstrous apparitions, we scare people - right?
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
franklin: what does that mean, "cuffs bobby?" it could be any number of actions, an exotic dish, or is it a name? perhaps it's a...
bobby: who the hell are you?
bobby: oh. hi franklin
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
jacques: see, zat is vat it means. now begone already, franklin! your time 'az not yet come
badass: so anyway, my point is: you haven't yet seen us in action. "where is the fear?" you cry. "well," i say, a little ironically: "fear not!" [pan out to reveal a bed under which badass, jacques and bobby are lying] [pan out a little further to reveal jeremy sitting on the bed]
jacques: [whispers] in a few moments, ees mother will come to put 'eem to bed.
bobby: [loudly] but he's twenty-five! TWENTY-FIVE!
jacques: zey are a strange family
bobby: [loudly] what, no cuffing? NO CUFFING?
jacques: [cuffs bobby] enough already, bobert.
[mother enters, tucks jeremy into bed, leaves]
badass: now, if you hadn't already deduced, is the time that we strike. bobby, would you do the honours?
bobby: [loudly, slowly] HEY THERE YOU SILLY BOY, I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR PARENTS ALIVE VERY SLOWLY LEAVING ONLY THEIR TOES AND THEN I'M GOING TO PUT THEIR TOES IN YOUR EARS SO YOU CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING FOR THREE DAYS
mother: [peers into room] what on earth was that noise?
bobby: LISTEN YOU SILLY BI...
jacques: [cuffs bobby] be silent!
mother: oh, i must have been imagining things [leaves]
badass: are you sacred yet, jeremy?
jeremy: not really
badass: and you are aware that i am half man, half donkey?
jeremy: i am now. how odd
bobby: [loudly, slowly] LISTEN, YOU BRAT, I WILL POUR HUMAN EXCREMENT ON YOUR FACE WHILE YOU SLEEP
jeremy: now, that's just disgusting
bobby: [a little uncertainly] um... Roar! Roar!
jeremy: [titters] pathetic
bobby: [cuffs jeremy]
jeremy: [bursts into tears]
badass: excellent! objective achieved (the victim has been reduced to a quivering wreck of tears), we can now leave. jacques, if you would...
jacques: [explodes a large hole in the wall]
the monsters under my bed #4
badass: were you aware that bobby is an aristocrat?
bobby: aristo-crat [smiles]
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
bobby: get your dirty hands off me, you frenchy peasant infidel scum!
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
bobby: ow! now that really hurt
badass: yes, it's true. he comes direct from a line of ignorant, aloof, incestuous, ugly and stuck-up ponces. his real name is sir robert humphries, earl of somewhereorother and monster under a bed. needless to say, he experienced a mid-life crisis aged thirteen and has rarely spent a day sober since - hence his passivity and supposed idiocy
bobby: [slowly] idiocy
jacques: exactly, bobert ma good sir
badass: but today bobby has had his last drink, isn't that right?
bobby: [slowly] drink
badass: [aside] why is he still doing that?
jacques: i slip 'im some more bee-arr. when he is a leetle ditzy he doesn't notice so much eef i hit 'eem [cuffs bobby]
jacques: or not. i no-know...
badass: point is, jacques and i have decided it's time to get our friend cleaned up once and for all. after all, having a real-life earl under your bed would surely be far more terrifying than a pissed monkey...
jacques: [cuffs bobby]
badass: alright jacques, that will do
badass: [cuffs bobby] stop that!
jacques: so anyway, the ass and i researched a nombre of ways for wheech to get a man off alcohol. zere are several AA groups and rehab centres in ze vincinity, as vell as non-alcoholic dreenks etc.
badass: we decided the best way would be to tie him to a tree and leave him there for two weeks. so just sit yourself down here, bobby old chap...
bobby: [sits down against tree]
badass: ...and we tie him here like *so*... and...
badass: thank you
jacques: no, thank you
badass: i will
jacques: you had better
bobby: why am i tied to a tree?
badass: now then robert, you just relax there and we'll be back in two weeks with a nice glass of water. welcome back to being sober...
[jacques and badass leave]
the monsters under my bed #5
bobby: [tied to a tree] hey there, peasant
franklin: what ho! who are you? what goes here?
bobby: i am sir robert humphries somebody, ruler of these lands, and i am tired to a tree
franklin: so you are!
bobby: so i am! now cut me loose immediately before i die of thirst
franklin: [hurriedly untying bobby’s bonds] dear god! how long have you been here?
bobby: almost half an hour. great heavens, the sun is so hot. have you any whiskey?
franklin: why certainly, i’ll just…
badass: whoah there!
jacques: and vat ‘ave we ‘eer? franklin, don’t tell me you are aiding zees poor man in ‘ees self-destruction?
franklin: wuh… buh…
badass: [aside] just as well we decided to come back and check on him, the rapscallion
jacques: now undo your wrongs and tie ‘eem back up. pronto!
bobby: oh, bugger
jacques: now zen bobert, no need to curse
badass: hey-hey, this tying business is really quite unnecessary – we just wanted to make a point, dear bobby
bobby: well, you’ve made your point. i see: you hate me and want me to leave for zambia right away
badass: well, i was hoping somewhere a little further away…
jacques: nonsense bobby ma friend, we love you! [kisses bobby] we don’t vant to see you threw your life avay, that ees all
jacques: oui, oui?
bobby: if you kiss me again i will vomit on your shoes
the monsters under my bed #6
bobby: creepy, creepy, creepy-creep, i will scare you with a sheep
badass: back in the field, robert, jacques and i are preparing to terrify this young child... with a sheep
franklin: you cruel, cruel people
badass: hey! it's my job
franklin: you're half man, half donkey. how can you even have a job? that's just ridiculous...
bobby: you know, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist
jacques: how is that even relevant? and frankie, ma friend, sod oeuf!
franklin: did you translate that using babel fish? [disappears in a puff of logic] aw man...
badass: so, with utmost precaution and care we have managed to arrive unharmed here, in the child's room. bobby has the sheep now
[pan to bobby with sheep]
jacques: and on ma count: un, deux, trois...
bobby: fly! fly! fly! [hurls sheep at the sleeping child]
child: [awakes, screaming]
the monsters under my bed #7
badass: talk to me, robert
bobby: i've lost the plot!
jacques: don't be a fool, man. vere are you?
bobby: i think i'm in star wars
badass: nonsense! we're in beijing, snap out of it
bobby: oh god! ewoks!
jacques: stay viz me, bobert, we aff some leetle chinese children to terrify today
franklin: no need to be racist
badass: pray tell us, frankie, how that harmless remark could be interpreted as inciting racial hatred or otherwise implying racial prejudice?
franklin: well, there's no need to distinguish that these "leetle" children are chinese, is there? as we're in beijing one would assume that they are, but anyway the fact that they are chinese should be irrelevant to how you treat them
badass: by the hairs on your head i banish thee! we have children to scare, now sod off
jacques: anyvay, all chinese people are leetle
franklin: [shouts] i heard that!
jacques: othervise they wouldn't fit zem all in one country!
badass: hey! do you want to go too?
jacques: [shameful] sorry
bobby: are we gonna destroy this death star or what?
badass: children, robert, we're here to scare children
bobby: same difference. destroy these children, let's do it [charges into a wall]
[story ends abruptly on an awkward note]
the monsters under my bed #8
franklin: and with me now is the talented robin mitchell, and we're talking about criticism now... robin, how do you cope with criticism?
robin: well, i think generally the best thing to do is to listen to it, you know? i mean, well, i've got a new ep due out soon and people were saying "your stuff's too arty," and "it's not accessible to the common man" and "it needs more of a beat" so this new stuff is essentially rapped over a beat. it's called "the bitches shot the ho's in the driveby..."
badass: [turns off radio] a'ight, wagwan?
bobby: what did he say?
badass: i was just "talking gangster" - using colloquial commonly associated with the street/hip-hop movement
bobby: well, you are pretty badass
badass: yeah, i was even thinking about getting my arms grafted to my shoulders
jacques: ees been done already
badass: like you'd know
jacques: ay! in france, vee ave zee best eep-oop in zee world [beatboxes]
bobby: [is visibly embarrassed] please stop
badass: i have to say, though, if i was a small child about to go to sleep and i heard that, i'd be terrified
franklin: next time: the monster who scares kids with beatboxing! peace out, y'all
the monsters under my bed #9
badass: ...and that was how i was concieved
child: [bursts into tears]
jacques: 'aam not sure 'ee eez scared... more distressed, oui?
badass: a nod's as good as a wink as far as i'm concerned there, my froggy-frenchy-friend
bobby: bit racist
jacques: ach! i care not. better a frog than an ass, hmm?
badass: well! [strolls off in a huff]
bobby: the night is young and we have many to scare, let's not beat around the bush
badass: i say, was that shakespeare?
the monsters under my bed #10
badass: so, to conclude my eventful and decorative narrative, there was a clap of thunder, a strike of lightning and a big kabloosh. at that precise moment i awoke, bewildered and disorientated, and then it was morning
jacques: [sniffs] badass, ma friend, zat 'ees ze most be-autiful thing i 'aff ever heard
badass: but... but it was a tragedy! my mother died!
jacques: oh! well, i wasn't really listening, i was watching robert
bobby: but i'm not doing anything
jacques: i am always watching robert, watching and waiting
bobby: [cowers in fear]
franklin: well then, fellows! it's the end of your first season together - HOW DOES IT FEEL?
bobby: [jumps] ow!
badass: must you shout so loud?
franklin: sorry, i was getting a bit excited...
jacques: i keep telling you, frankie, you don't even belong 'ere. go back to your own script
franklin: ...the end of "the monsters under my bed" season one, a tremendous failure on all accounts. allow me to read you some statistics: children succesfully scared - 2, monsters - 1, laughs - 0
badass: at least we got in a multi-cultural element
badass: i mean, jacques is our frenchie-thru-and-thru funny chappy thing
jacques: about that...
bobby: oh no
jacques: i'm not actually french, you fools! why else would i have such a preposterous accent?! oh, what a disaster
bobby: at least we have each other